Author’s Note: The following is a collection of ridiculous or profound statements and conversations heard throughout the month of December. <>< Katie
[In bed not wanting to get up on a Sunday morning]
Jennifer: Why can’t we just have church here?
Katie: Those are called televangelists.
Amy: Or Katie could preach. My Bible’s over there.
Katie: Oh, good. I need that.
Amy: Jennifer can be the pulpit.
Katie: Who’s going to serve communion?
Amy: We’re Baptist. We don’t do that every day.
Mrs L: There’s the cookie sheet I’ve been looking for! The flat one.
Mom: Awe, man! My new vacuum is parts as parts! With screws and everything! I just want to plug and play! I don’t have time to put together a vacuum cleaner; I have to vacuum! The humanity!
Katie: What is that noise and how do we make it stop?
Mom: It’s me washing the windows.
Katie: Oh. It sounds like Tina’s farting ringtone.
Katie: This is your job for next week.
Uncle Jack: Put that vacuum together? That I can do. Is there more than one piece?
Uncle Jack: Well, then we’re pretty much done. What’s the next project?
Katie: Fix the dishwasher. That’s tomorrow’s job. It can’t wait until next week.
Uncle Boris: For senior photos I got: “Your head looks like a mushroom” or “your head looks like a plantain.”
Amy: How do you only lose one boot?
Jo: I just kicked it off and I don’t know. How do you need stitches once a week?
Jo: I’m not kidding. Every Saturday I needed stitches. It was usually stupid stuff too like getting excited when the grandparents came over and tripping up the cement stairs.
Katie: Look! It’s a bracelet I can wear as a belt and it’s ok!
Dustin: Katie, what’s one word that describes you?
Jennifer: Your volcanic pretzels look like an anteater nose.
Mom: Now you told Laura that she has big feet and Christina that she weighs more than the dog. You need to go to bed. Go to your room!
Uncle Jack: Oh, do you need a complement, too? You look very nice up there dusting.
Alex: No more squeaking in the car.
Caroline: (something about) Britney Spears.
Katie: Does she have hair again?
David: I thought she was dead. I thought she D.O.ed. I mead ODed.
Laura: Girl, I have a knife and an onion in my hand. Don’t mess with me!]
Jennifer: Katie, if you were on a desert island with email and a book, you’d be just fine.
Katie: Yeah, I’d just Tweet for someone to come rescue me.
Jennifer: You wouldn’t have Twitter. Well, I guess you could just email someone.
Jo: How do you poop in your shoe when you lay on your back?
Amy: He’s two months old. Who knows!
Mom: Look at those white caps!
Katie: Those aren’t white caps; they’re mud puddles.
Jennifer: So we put these there.
Katie: But these already have those.
Jennifer: “These already have those?” Katie, I wish you would write down your own quotes.
Katie: Sometimes I do.
Alex: Wal-mart is like a time-warp. You walk in and boom you’ve been there for an hour.
Katie: We have a tendency to be late to Peder Eide concerts.
Mom: No, you have a tendency to be late.
Katie: No, last time I was two hours early! But I might have been responsible for making the entire concert late.
Uncle: All of the sudden you get a gray eyebrow, and it’s like, “I’m here, and I’m looking around! I can drive the car all by myself, thank you. Where’s my beer?!”
Amy: By the time I get to church I’m tired.
Katie: Amy doesn’t love Jesus!
Amy: No. [Beat] Wait. [Beat] What did you say?
Laura: Do we have any Dixie cups?
Mom: Yes, they’re in the slow cooker.
Christina: Laura, I really like those pants. They make your legs look two inches deep.
Uncle Boris: If you give a moose a muffin.
Mom: If you give a pig a pancake.
Katie: If you give a squirrel a shrimp.
Uncle Boris: If you give a cow a cornflake.
Mom: If you give a mouse a cookie.
Uncle Boris: No, it has to start with the same number.
Grandma: The [Christmas] tree was giving me the finger in reverse.
Katie: I have “Live Like Christmas” stuck in my head.
Laura: Good! ‘Cuz IT’S CHRISTMAS!
Tabitha: Sorry. My stomach makes weird noises after I eat.
Rebekah: It’s called digestion.
Alex: You just stabbed yourself with my fingernail.
Laura: I have to go pick up twenty things in my room because that’s how old I am.
Mom: Or you could pick up for twenty minutes.
Jamie: My goal this weekend is to make it in Katie’s quote book.
Mom: Oh, there’s a random plate in the fridge.
Katie: Better than a fork in the den.
Friend: Did I just walk into an alternate dimension?
Christina: Welcome to the Axelsons’!
Jamie: Ok, she never needs to wear her hair like that again. She looks like the girl from Star Wars–Glena.
Mom: If I’m going to get anything done today, I have to take off this sweater.
Katie: What?! If you want to be productive, you have to be naked?
Mom: No, no, no. That’s now what I said. This sweater–
Laura: She already told me. That sweater you can’t roll up the sleeves and the bottom’s stretched out so it’s BAAHUM PAAAAAH!
Katie: Is that a direct quote?
Mom: How do you spell that?
Chris: What will Andy say is your quirkiest feature?
Elizabeth: I repeat myself. I say the same thing.
“Rudolph is like the Bible–you can’t take it out of context.”
Uncle Jack: We didn’t pray, you know.
Katie: I talked to Jesus already.
Uncle Jack: I find myself doing that a lot–especially with you guys around.
Jennifer: Save money. Buy pants.
Katie: Matthew, I really don’t mind if you sing Christmas songs–even if your voice isn’t cooperating. But we need Jesus Christmas songs. No Santa Christmas songs today.
Matthew: Well, if you paint Santa as a Christ-figure–
Laura: Sometimes Miranda bites me.
Mom: Bite her back!
Laura: Zach did once, and she cried!
Katie: Jennifer, do I need my Bible?
Amy [serious]: No. We’re only going to church.
Rhonda: Awe, man, I am tired! Claudia, it’s going to have to be a fast bath.
Donovan: I am totally Tweeting that!
Rhonda, Claudia: No! We want jobs some day! Don’t Tweet about us giving the cat a bath.
Mom: Katie’s driving so that means she’s ultimately the boss!
Katie: Does anyone know what the temperature is supposed to be today?
Amy: Check your email.
Jennifer: High of 51. So cold!
Mom: I have not successfully made burnt carrots yet!
Lauren: Do you spell your name as one word or two?
Maryrose: One with no capital “r.”
Sarah: I don’t think God cares.
Katie: What’s for dinner?
Mom: I don’t know yet. I don’t know who’s all going to be here. If it’s just Dad and me, we’re having steak. If everybody’s here, we’re having bologna.
Laura: If your socks and my socks had a baby, it would look like this scarf!
“God appoints people who disappoint to point to a God who never disappoints.” – Ann Voskamp
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